Old man game

Have you ever celebrated your best friend's birthday at a hilariously age-inappropriate club and been hit on repeatedly by men (or women) old enough to give your dad/moms a run for his/her money? No? Well this is how that scenario might play out...

Me: [swaying along to the music, trying to ignore the strange nursing home and Elizabeth Taylor's White Diamonds smell of the club]

Much older dude: Hey sweetheart.

Me: No habla ingles [continues to jam alone]

MOD: Wanna dance?

Me: No habla ingles!

Well, that didn't work and somehow I found myself two-stepping with someone easily old enough to be my dad. At this point the DJ shouted out something about the Redskins and how Dallas sucks and even though I don't follow football like that I felt compelled to show support for the home team.

Me: Yeah! Booo Dallas!

MOD: I know that's right ::high five::

I was just grateful he didn't notice I speak perfect English I guess that's that old man memory for you. Having bonded over our mutual hatred of the Dallas Cowboys as Kool & the Gang played in the background, we chatted.

MOD: So what do you do on the weekends?

Me: Kick it with my homies.

MOD: You married?

Me: Uh, no.

MOD: Got a boyfriend?

Me: YES. He's a ninja/Gladiator/master marksman and stuff.

MOD: That's nice [EDIT: Really? Looks like we have a persistent one, folks]. Got any kids?

I was getting tired of these questions. I look like I could be your daughter, sir. Gross out. Didn't stop me from answering him though.

Me: Yep, five. By seven different men.

MOD: I have a 14-year-old by my first wife.

PAUSE. Damn your daughter's almost as old as me (almost). And first wife? How many have you had? Right then the song ended, putting me out of my misery.

Me: Yeeeaaahhh... I have to go stand over here now. Nice talking to you! << More lies

I was barely off the dance floor before I was accosted by Bachelor #2, some super old head (I'm talking, like, 70-75 here) who'd been putting it on ALLLL the middle-aged ladies that night ::shudders::

MOD #2: Hey young lady, how's 'bout a dance?

Me: No thanks.

Right then a buddy of mine from the crew I came with helped a sista out ("I'm with him") and we two-stepped our a$$es to the bar.

Other highlights of the night:

• That old broad who almost shanked us for putting our coats & purses on "her" table. B*tch, chill. And put your wig on straight next time.
• That 60-year-old dude who "danced" (it was more like "interpretive seizure") 100 variations of The Robot. And yes, he did challenge one of our crew to a dance off *smh*. I would have videotaped that hot mess with my ~*iPhone*~ but I didn't want to encourage him, lol.
• CJ tackling not one, but TWO cougars. At the same time! They love that young meat. Get it.
• The two fights that almost broke out, one as I entered the club, then one as we left. Dag old people, get it together, JEEZ.
• Getting pulled over and ticketed by the cops on our way to The Diner*.
• Saying "Eff The Diner" and going to IHOP instead.
  

* MAJOR SIGH and SMH at that whole situation. I'll explain in detail in another post.