!i$@ bee™: Tommy Gunz

From Caragh's blog:

My sister had a baby at 16 and is currently dating a guy who the family thinks, AND THIS IS NOT A JOKE, we think he is slow. Not mentally retarded, per se, but slow and he refers to himself as Tommy Gunz. It’s his rap name.

I asked her,

“Does Tommy Gunz spell it with a Z?”
“Yea.”
“Oh, thank god. Thank god.”
“Why?”
“It’s just… right.”
________________

I mean, here are some facts about Tommy Gunz, who is slow. We think.
He is not allowed at my house.
This means nothing, and lots of nice people have this, nice and SMART people, but I’m just putting it out there… He has crossed-eyes.
He told my mother that HIS mother was with a black guy and so he has two black brothers. One of whom was shot in the face and died.
30 minutes later my mother meets his brother.
Who is incredibly white.
My mother says, “Tommy (Gunz), I thought you said your brother was black?” He responds with, “oh, uhhhh, they weren’t really my BROTHERS, I just knew them.”
He stole jewelry from his grandmother and gave it to my sister.
Then had his grandmother pick my sister up from our house.
The grandmother told my father she has no idea why any girl would date Tommy (Gunz) because he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t have a GED.
F*CKED THE 14 YEAR OLD TWINS DOWN THE STREET.
Last week he told my sister he has his GED, he just has to take a few more tests. After questioning my sister about WHAT THIS MEANS, becuase THAT DOESN’T MAKE ANY SENSE, my mother and I have decided that he is either straight up lying or took the pre-test to the GED and actually thinks, ACTUALLY THINKS, that he now has a GED.
I can’t even tell you how delighted I was when I met this waste of space. “Tommy,” I asked him while I was headed to my friends’ van parked outside my house, “Tommy, you RAP?!”

“Uh… … Yeah.”

“That’s awesome, Tommy. That’s awesome.”

And I explode in giggles, no longer trying to contain how hilarious this is all to me, and leave.